On Addiction and Recovery
In May, I will reach 26 years free of cocaine and alcohol. That might seem like a small thing, but I was in IV cocaine user for some years in my 20s, had DTs at 24, and I was not expected to live to this venerable age of 61. On the streets and way outside the law, I weighed 106 pounds when I stopped the longest run. I am trying to remember the last time I had a craving for cocaine, and I cannot. Same thing with alcohol. It was at least ten years ago but I think much longer. I can’t remember, and that says a lot right there.
Recently, I read a repost by a well-meaning ally which waxed very eloquent on the subject of recovery from addiction being a daily battle, fraught with angst every single day of the addict’s life. I’m here to tell you that while that might be true of some people who put down the drugs and never find any peace, it’s not true of most of us after a few years. The first six months, for sure. The first year or two, not uncommon.
But eventually, for those of us who work a traditional 12 step program, and for those who find their solution in church or sweatlodge or rational recovery(atheism), and those who just one day wake up and say this isn’t how I want to live my life, the desire to drink and use is lifted. And by that I mean, it doesn’t occur to us, we have different habits, passions and interests. We can walk down the wine aisle and not flinch; we can sit at your dinner table and watch you drink a dinner wine with impunity and not cry ourselves to sleep or reach uncontrollably for the bottle.
The post I read was written by a psych nurse, and so assumed to be gospel truth. I pointed out that by definition, a psych nurse will be exposed to the very worst cases of addiction impacting mental health. Those cases exist. By all means, let’s support those people and give them all the treatment they need. But let’s not assume that each and every addict in recovery is in that situation, of battling mental illness and drug cravings the rest of their life. Especially the drug cravings. It’s simply not true, and putting it out in the public sphere that way is grossly unfair to those who have lost their cravings. Well-meaning people won’t invite them to parties or dinners or even lunch, in the fear that they may pick up if anyone else drinks socially. Well-meaning people study them for signs of relapse, refuse to give them any responsibility, and drown them in pity. The assumptions are relentless and they are harmful.
Pity is not required or helpful. Leveling your view of addiction to let it mean addicts are all low-bottom street hypes is not useful. Plenty of addicts live in mansions and make tons of money. Don’t we know this from all the celebrity overdoses? Need we assume all addicts live in tents and steal from your car at night? I had a defense attorney who was very hyper in the courtroom; I was in on some serious theft charges related to drugs, and could not get him to listen to me. At the time I thought he was on coke. Turns out a year later he was busted with a pound of coke. He was sent to rehab. I was sent to jail. That’s the class system in action. He was as much an addict as I was; he just knew how to hold down a job. Until he didn’t, clearly.
I WAS a street hype, living in hotels and sleeping outside when I couldn’t make rent. The rest of that story is for another day, but suffice it to say I shot up in a car in the parking lot of 7-11 a few blocks from the police station one time. And I do not have cravings, today or any other day. Haven’t for some decades. So recovery is possible; no one needs to monitor me. I am free by the grace of a loving Creator, and by virtue of having diligently worked a 12 step program. By the same token, I have met people who just one day decided to stop and did, and that’s fine too. If I can walk about free on this planet, so can other addicts. There are things I regret about decisions made in recovery, but that doesn’t mean I’m crippled for the rest of my life and need to be monitored or pitied or watched around your medications.
I know dozens of recovering addicts who are the same. Some are annoyingly addicted to meetings ; some proselytize way too much for my comfort, but all of them I trust are living their lives without craving drugs on a daily or even occasional basis. They have found recovery, and are engaged fully in living their lives. Many still attend meetings, not as a stopgap to keep them from using again but as a way of passing on to others the freedom they found. And as a social support system, since even the well-meaning among normies continue to see us as freaks who might relapse at any time.
So please, if you want to advocate for more accessible treatment for addicts, I’m right there with you. If you want to advocate for dual diagnosis programs, I’m right there with you. But don’t paint the problems of addicts as if they have no solution ; don’t imagine healing isn’t possible. That just tells me you’ve never met an addict in recovery or if you did, you didn’t listen to what they had to say. Listen to us. Healing is possible. Recovery is possible. The only people with a stake in thinking it’s not are those who make their living managing long-term drug dependence who will be put out of a job if too many recover. It is like the bureaucracies for homelessness which would be put out of business if we actually find housing for everyone. And for heaven’s sake, don’t think a psych nurse whose experience is entirely inside mental health wards has seen a representative sample of recovering addicts.
True recovery usually involves family of origin work, trauma work, addressing codependence, addressing any underlying issues that feed the addiction. These are the triggers. The physicality of the drug is not the trigger. In my experience. The drug is only ever something we take to medicate emotions and thoughts we haven’t healed. This doesn’t mean we are mentally ill and experiencing cravings the rest of our lives; this means we need to face our trauma histories, codependence, and whatever else lead us to become addicted in the first place. Notice that nowhere did I mention medication. I’m not a doctor. I don’t know who needs psych meds. I know they were not the answer for me, and here I am 26 years later, with a life I could not have imagined I would have, when I smoked that last rock in my Mazda RX7 on the corner of 22nd and Madison in Seattle. In front of Deano’s which no longer exists.
My sobriety date is 5=24=96. I am an addict in recovery. My name is Amy. No, you do not have to monitor me the rest of your life. Yesterday I paid way more than I wanted to to the IRS, a thing I could never have imagined. My biggest problem in life today is I’m invited to more ceremonies than I can reasonably go to. And this is a luxury problem indeed.
Next time you see an addict, know that it is possible for them to recover. It might take a lot of support, but don’t assume they will suffer from addiction forever, or you become part of the problem holding them down. These are my words. I have spoken.
soundandmountains 